From someone who spent over 30 years not knowing what I was looking at — and now I can’t unsee it!
How it Manifests
You raise a concern. You’ve rehearsed it, you’ve stayed calm, you’ve picked your moment. And then, almost before you’ve finished your sentence, something strange happens. Somehow, you are now the problem.
Welcome to DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It is a manipulative behavioural pattern that turns accountability on its head. It is most often known and recognised in abusive and coercive relationships. However, it actually happens in workplaces more often than you would think. Sometimes deliberately. Often on autopilot. And it’s not gender specific.
What does it actually look like?
Picture this. An employee raises a concern with their manager about being consistently talked over in meetings. Reasonable, documented, professionally delivered.
The manager’s response unfolds in three beautifully predictable acts:
1. Deny: “That’s not what happened. I include everyone equally — I always have.”
2. Attack: “Honestly, I’m surprised you’d say this. I’ve spent a lot of time supporting you. This feels like a real kick in the teeth.”
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: “I’m the one who should be upset here. Do you have any idea how this makes me look? I came in early today to make sure we got this right.”
The employee leaves the conversation wondering why they now feel like they owe their manager an apology. The manager is probably fuming and indignant. Nobody has addressed the original problem. And somehow, an issue that should have been easily and quickly resolved, festers.
Why it works (and why it’s so hard to deal with)
DARVO is effective because it hijacks our instinct to repair relationships. When someone appears hurt or wronged, we want to fix it — even if we were the one who raised the original concern. It’s disorienting by design.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth for HR professionals: many people have no idea they’re doing it. It can be a deeply conditioned response — a psychological defence mechanism that kicks in the moment someone feels exposed or criticised. That doesn’t make it acceptable. But it does make it important to understand.
I spent over 30 years working around these situations before I learned the language for what I was seeing. But, once you name it, you cannot unsee it — and luckily, that’s exactly where addressing this can begin.
How to name it and counter it
If you’re supporting someone who’s experienced something like this — or navigating it yourself — here are four things that may help:
1. Name the pattern, not the person. “I think that the conversation has shifted away from my original concern — can we come back to that?” This keeps focus without escalating.
2. Document the original issue clearly before any conversation. DARVO thrives on ambiguity. Written records, knowing others have seen the behaviour or even minutes of the meeting can help disarm the “that’s not what happened” argument.
3. Don’t take the bait on the redirect. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings briefly, then return: “I know that this may be difficult. However, the concern I raised was [X] — I’d like us to address that.”
4. Know when to escalate. If the behaviour continues and is becoming a barrier to doing your job effectively, lodging a formal grievance may be a possible next step, if things don’t improve. But, wherever possible, an informal conversation first is worth having — it demonstrates good faith, a willingness to resolve matters openly, and crucially, it creates an audit trail that shows you acted professionally throughout, setting boundaries for what you will not tolerate.
The bottom line
DARVO persists in workplaces because we don’t really have the language for it. Once you name it, however, you can’t unsee it — and more importantly, you can help others navigate it before the original issue gets buried under someone else’s feelings about being asked to be accountable.
More importantly, anyone who summons the courage to raise a concern deserves better than to leave the room wondering how on earth they became the problem!
Next steps
If this resonates, share it with someone who might be glad of the info.
If you need further support, I love working with organisations around the principles of psychological safety, prosocial behaviour and workplace mediation — so please feel free to contact me.
Or please comment if you have discovered other ways to effectively counter this particularly challenging manipulation technique.
Further reading at the Workplace Mental Health Institute
#DARVO #WorkplaceBullying #PsychologicalSafety #HR #EmployeeRelations #WorkplaceCulture #Leadership #SpeakingUp
